Heroism

Or Why I stopped trying to be a hero

We geeks live in our own personal dream world. We grow up in the closed spaces of our minds - bored with the real world, miserable about our sad existence - our only escape being computers, comics and videogames. To be honest, that's not entirely true about geeks, but I thought it'd be a nice way to set the tone.

I'm going to tell you the story of why I stopped trying to be a hero. And yes, it is personal

All my life I wanted to matter. It always saddened me when I looked back at my life and couldn't remember that one defining moment when I made a change so profound that it literally made someone - anyone sit up and take notice. We all like to make an impact while we still walk this earth. I believed if I could... save someone's life - at the cost of my own even then at least I'll have lived for something. It's not something I thought about every day or waking moment. It was always something at the back of my mind. Like an ever-present sense of non-accomplishment

If I know you personally, you've probably heard this story before in some form. I just couldn't get myself to write it until now

It was a dark night. Clear sky. About 2 years ago. I'd been out partying with my friends. I was a little inebriated but  I was taking my girlfriend home. Back in those days, she used to live at the end of the world - Munyonyo (to some of you). Uneventful drive, but in the final lonely home run stretch we cleared a hill and came across something amazing. I had to ask her if she could see what I saw.

A car - an SUV, had flipped on its side almost blocking the right lane.  As we slowed down to pass, me - marveling at something so cool, and her - well probably the same -  I realised to my horror there was someone still inside. Caucasian female banging on the glass inside.

The next few minutes went by crazy fast. I remember thinking to myself how I used to speed like crazy along that route. I remember imagining what would happen if some unlucky driver was to do the same at that ungodly hour. The accident was in a blind spot. It would be, well catastrophic.

Heart thumping, I parked a ways from the car. Flipped on my hazard lights for any cars. We got out of the car, me and girlfriend. The woman inside the flipped SUV banged a little more. There was blood - I yelled for her to unlock the doors - she passed out. I knew we had to get her out of there… but how? We tried to open the passenger door - nothing. Back door. Nothing. It seemed falling on the right had side had jammed the central locking somehow. All I could think about was unlucky driver racing down Buziga road at 2 am.  I suggested we break the glass. Girlfriend looked for the rock. I wedged my arm the best I could under the car and into it to reach the car keys from the ignition. It was a really tight fit, but I managed anyway. I went back to the back door tried with the keys. Nothing. Dammit!  In my frustration I banged the back door and I heard something pop . Tried the door again. Success. The woman inside started coming to. So I reached in. Yelled for her "Lady, give me your hand!!" I had to go in all the way for her. I helped her out. All I could see was the blood. I carried her partways to my car to get her to a hospital she struggled on the way so I had to put her down.  And time slowly slowed back down to normal

She was hysterical. All  she could do was cry on my shoulder for the first few minutes. She kept going on about some guy who had ran her off the road. But I could tell she'd been drinking. I asked if she needed to go to the hospital, she said no, and cried some more. I asked if there's anyone we could reach. Her phone was still in the car. I went back in and got it. We tried to call some numbers. Finally got through. The guy on the other end didn't seem very concerned. He lived nearby - but didn't exactly want to leave home to come fetch her. Some boda boda men had come around. 2 or 3. A neighbour had come out of his house - torch and gown. When she'd calmed down, she seemed more concerned about her car. She wanted it flipped back. We wanted to get her help. Someone

At first I thought I'd misheard when she mentioned something that sounded racist. I figured well, alcohol or her guy is a douche. Then she said it again. She said…

She said all she wanted was her freakin' car flipped. And that we were all pretty much stupid baddugavu. Well, stupid black people who didn't know shit. She said more than that - I don't remember. But I was taken aback. I looked around, and saw there were more than enough people willing to help her for a price. I told girlfriend, "Let's go"

I was mad. Jumped in the car, started the engine. And I drove. But in those few seconds, I got off my adrenaline high and reality came rushing back to me. I tried to save her. I stopped. I did every thing in my power to make sure she was alright. Panicked for her. Tried to get her to a hospital. Tried… to do all these things that in the end didn't matter. I guess  I'm just not very used to racism directed at me, but that was incredibly painful. After all I'd done - ok, tried to do, I was still lower than dirt

It literally broke me.

It's like - my whole life had been building up to this point. Here's where you matter, Dante. Here's where you do something someone will remember you by - and walk into the sunset. Slow-motion?

We all grow up some time. You learn about purpose. Some people pursue happyness - some money. Its all our never-ending search to justify our existence. Why am I here? What will complete me?

There is this poignant scene in Kick Ass that got me somewhat misty eyed. When Dave gets caught in his first fight with 3 guys over some guy who tripped over him. And he's fighting,  getting beat down some, trying to hold his own - but he basically can't win. And he knows this

One guy says to him "The ---- is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even ----ing know? "

And Dave says something like  "Three a--holes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!"

Being a hero is as overrated as it is selfish. This is my story